Feeling bored
at some point in your relationship is normal. Once the honeymoon period
ends, you'll enter into the comfortable stage. While it may not be as
exciting and new as it once was, you and your partner have the
opportunity to deepen your bond and solidify your commitment to each
other. But boredom in a relationship can be a problem if it happens to
you all the time. According to experts, if you constantly find yourself
getting bored easily in relationships, there may be something deeper going on.
"Getting bored in one relationship might be a sign that your partner isn’t a good match for you," Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, certified Gottman couples therapist and clinical director of A Better Life Therapy, tells Bustle. "However, having a pattern of getting bored in relationships over and over again may be a sign that you have an insecure attachment style."
Your attachment style is developed in childhood and is based on how your parents or primary caregiver interacted with you. If your parents were emotionally unavailable or were inconsistent with their affection, you may have developed an insecure attachment style. According to Earnshaw, you'll likely feel avoidant and withdrawn when you sense strong feelings of intimacy.
"While pop culture likes to call these people commitment-phobes, in reality most people that struggle to commit and feel bored in relationships are actually just struggling with feeling safe and secure in a relationship," she says. "They often find that once they begin to feel intimately close to someone, they start to be hyper aware of flaws like boredom."
Here are some other reasons behind why you easily get bored in relationships, according to experts.
"Getting bored in one relationship might be a sign that your partner isn’t a good match for you," Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, certified Gottman couples therapist and clinical director of A Better Life Therapy, tells Bustle. "However, having a pattern of getting bored in relationships over and over again may be a sign that you have an insecure attachment style."
Your attachment style is developed in childhood and is based on how your parents or primary caregiver interacted with you. If your parents were emotionally unavailable or were inconsistent with their affection, you may have developed an insecure attachment style. According to Earnshaw, you'll likely feel avoidant and withdrawn when you sense strong feelings of intimacy.
"While pop culture likes to call these people commitment-phobes, in reality most people that struggle to commit and feel bored in relationships are actually just struggling with feeling safe and secure in a relationship," she says. "They often find that once they begin to feel intimately close to someone, they start to be hyper aware of flaws like boredom."
Here are some other reasons behind why you easily get bored in relationships, according to experts.
1. You're Used To More Dramatic Relationships
"People
with a more anxious or activated attachment style might be
uncomfortable in 'safe' relationships that provide security because
they're used to chaos," Earnshaw says. Instead of looking at a peaceful
relationship as something that's good and healthy, you're more likely to
think of it as a relationship that's become stale or boring. According
to Earnshaw, this can lead you to feeling trapped and you may even
convince yourself that this is something you need to escape. "If this is
a disruptive pattern in your life, learning to identify your attachment
style and working towards getting comfortable with what it means to be
securely attached in relationships is the way forward," she says.
2. You're Not Allowing Yourself To Be Vulnerable Enough
Relationships are meant to grow over time. As Dave Wolovsky,
relationship expert and positive psychology coach, tells Bustle, "They
grow when both partners become more vulnerable with each other." When
you're able to be open and vulnerable, you'll gain a greater sense of
intimacy and connection with your partner. Your relationship will evolve
as your bond depeens over time. But when you're closing yourself off to
that kind of connection, Wolovsky says you're not only limiting
yourself, but the growth of your relationship as well. "This eventually
causes a stagnation of their own personal growth and that of the
relationship, which makes it boring," he says. Opening up takes time.
But if you trust that your partner won't hurt or judge you, revealing
more of your inner thoughts and feelings here and there can be helpful.
It's OK to start slow.
3. Your Communication Skills May Need Some Work
Good
communication is an essential part of any relationship. Learning good
communication skills takes time. As Bobbi Palmer, relationsip coach and
founder of Date Like a Grownup,
tells Bustle, "A person who is trying to make a relationship work for
the long-term will be open to and encourage discussion that helps them
learn about their partner's background, wants and needs, and dreams for
the future. The ability to share these types of things is what helps a
healthy relationship grow." A part of being good at communication is
being a good listener. If you don't practice active listening in order
to really understand your partner, it's hard to move your relationship
past the superficial. When you aren't connecting with your partner in a
deeper way, it can make them and your relationship seem boring.
4. You Have Unrealistic Expectations For What A Relationship Should Be
For
the most part, relationships are great at the beginning. But
maintaining a good relationship long-term takes work. If you're looking
for that perfect partner to sweep you off your feet and make all your
romance dreams come true, you're just setting yourself up for
disappointment. "This isn't real life," Palmer says. "They're bound to
get bored quite quickly and move on." When you're seeking that perfect
relationship, you're likely to develop a pattern of jumping into a
relationship and losing interest once it's not exactly how you wanted.
"The reality is that a healthy, grown up, mutually satisfying
relationship requires equal give and take," Palmer says. "Both partners
show up with realistic expectations of one another, and of themselves."
5. You're Not That Into Your Partner
If
you find that you get bored in relationships quickly, you may want to
look at the types of people you're choosing to date. "Bored is relative
to interest," Paul Bashea Williams, LCSW-C LICSW,
relationship specialist and owner of Hearts In Mind Counseling, tells
Bustle. "If you really want to keep the relationship going, you'll
explore new things with the same person as opposed to exploring new
things with a new person." You want to explore why you're getting bored
in relationships. One way to figure this out is to write down what you
liked about your previous relationships and what you didn't like. Take
time to really dive into each of your past partners and your feelings
about them. If you notice that they have similar traits, you may want to
consider dating outside of your usual type.
6. You Think You Know Everything There Is To Know About Your Partner
"It’s
too easy to imagine after a while that your partner has no more
surprises to offer," Tom Ella, dating expert and one of the hosts of The Undesirables
dating podcast, tells Bustle. "You’ve heard all their stories before,
you know all their favorite moves, and ultimately there’s just nothing
to look forward to anymore. But that’s simply untrue." People change all
the time, and it doesn't have to be anything drastic either. For
instance, they can have new interests or opinions about what's going on
in the news. There's always something new to discover about your partner
no matter how long you've been together. "You need to reshape how you
view partner," Ella says. "You need to see them as a person again, not
‘just’ your partner you’ve seen a thousand times." If you're not open to
learning more about people, you're going to be bored every time you get
into a relationship.
7. You're Not Ready To Be In Anything Too Serious
If
you really aren't ready to make a commitment to someone, you may start
to check out once things start getting serious. "The slightest conflict,
being asked to do something that isn’t what they want to do, or just
talk of a long-term commitment can send them fleeing," Palmer says. When
you're serious about wanting to be in a relationship, you won't get
scared about the work that you'll have to put in. You'll likely put in
the effort to get creative to find ways to keep yourself from feeling
bored.
Again, boredom in a relationship is normal. But it shouldn't be something that happens all the time and in evey relationship you're in. If it is, the first step is to figure out why this happens. Is is attachment issues or the partners you're choosing? Once you figure out your reason, you can make adjustments. Don't let boredom prevent you from having a healthy and happy relationship.
Again, boredom in a relationship is normal. But it shouldn't be something that happens all the time and in evey relationship you're in. If it is, the first step is to figure out why this happens. Is is attachment issues or the partners you're choosing? Once you figure out your reason, you can make adjustments. Don't let boredom prevent you from having a healthy and happy relationship.
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