My first ever interaction on Tinder involved a guy telling me that he wanted me to eat ranch dressing off his beard. Recently, one of my friends received an opening message inquiring about her willingness to have anal sex, while another friend had someone DM her on Facebook after seeing her on Tinder—they had not matched or spoken—after searching her name and the company she works for. Of course, these aren’t singular experiences. There are entire Tumblr accounts and comedy shows dedicated to cataloguing the batshit things people (read: mostly men) do and say on Tinder.
While I personally think we’d all be better served by extricating ourselves entirely dating apps, I also appreciate that they’re occasionally useful for getting laid, checking out the new bar in your neighborhood, or you know, finding your soulmate. So we forge on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into swiping left or right on people who are either out of our league or possibly deranged.
Futile as the swiping game may seem, everyone’s doing it, and we’re all looking for ways to stand out among the swaths of bland, boring profiles. Luckily for you, the bar for men on dating apps is truly subterranean, so you don’t have to change much about your approach to make a big impact, and I’m going to tell you exactly how to do it.
Make a good first impression, quickly.
Everyone who’s been on a dating app for more than two days has lamented how unfair the whole process is, as if they didn’t know that dating favors hot people. Sorry! Such is the world. Dating apps require someone to like one photo enough to look at more photos of you, and then like those five photos enough to read your painstakingly-crafted bio about how you like burritos (we all do). You don’t have much time or space to make your first impression count.What this means for your pictures: You need a good first picture. This is an entirely made up figure, but 87% of your profile is your first picture. Said picture must not be blurry; If you only have a low-res Myspace ass photo of yourself, that’s what we in the business of sleeping with men call a red flag. I’m not sure why, but it’s like someone decided that smiling, in-focus photos are unmanly. (They’re not! Quite the opposite.) If you don’t have any good photos of yourself already—this might be you!—ask a friend to take one of you the next time you guys Do A Thing. That can be brunch, a friends wedding, a baseball game—anything that offers an opportunity for good, natural lighting.
What this means for your bio: Stop putting clichéd shit here. If you write “work hard play hard” or “looking for my partner in crime,” women are going to assume you’re similarly unoriginal in all aspects of your life, including in bed. It’s boring, and I don’t know anyone who is looking for a boring person to get drinks with. Use your bio to posit a question, share a weird fact (that isn’t sexual) about yourself, or give an idea of who you are and what you like to do. Something like “I watched Lion King every day of third grade” is cute. “I still need to see The Favourite; message me if you’re down to go,” presents an obvious entry point for conversation. The idea is to seem interesting to talk to; listing where you were born is not that.
What this means when you message: Do not open with anything sexual—not a dick pic, not a pick up line, not even a sexually-adjacent compliment. Do not try to be clever, or overly familiar, e.g., “You look exactly like my next girlfriend.” Try opening with a question, and no, “wyd rn ;),” doesn’t count. Go with something fun and off-beat like, “Do you think people should make their beds every morning?” or “What’s your favorite fast food burger?” You’re previewing what it’s like to hang out with you; you don’t want to come off as creepy, overly-sexual, or lazy.
Appear as normal as possible (without being boring).
Men vastly underestimate how risky it can be for women to interact with dudes they don’t know, and the consequences of that reality. (Have y’all watched the Ted Bundy Netflix doc? I mean, yikes.) Perhaps contrary to popular belief, your job on a dating app is not to stand out, but rather to signal to someone that you’re not going to Buffalo Bill them. Yes, hot is important, but don’t underestimate the power of giving off a Nice Guy With Normal Interests Who Showers kind of vibe. The bar is unfamthomably low for you guys; take advantage of that.
What this means for your pictures: You must
have more than one photo. You know who only has one photo of
themselves? A catfish, who got that photo off of someone else’s
LinkedIn. Also, nix the guns and knives. Being from Missouri, I know
that guns are “a thing” for some men (and women), but for the majority
of people swiping on you it reads as a future murder weapon. Last, the
easiest thing to do to convince people that you’re a nice, normal guy is
to smile in your photos. I know it seems simple, but you’d be surprised
how few men do it and how effective it is at selling us on the idea
that you’re not dangerous. (Please, serial killers, don’t read this
article).
What this means for your bio: This may come as a real shock, but if you put sexist stuff in your bio, we’re going to assume that you don’t like women. One of my friends, when I asked about what she sees on Tinder, said, “I think men forget that they’re trying to date women.” (Not that all men are, but you get it). If you mention you’re looking for someone to cook for you, or make some facile “joke” about how you’re looking for a trophy wife, or you say something cruel about certain women’s bodies, well, you’ve just alienated potential matches. Instead, try telling people what you’re like in a playful way. Focus on positives, rather than negatives. “I listen to Christmas music all year round,” or “I can teach you to drive stick shift,” are great examples that also give your fellow swipers something to message you about.
What this means when you message: Don’t be overly eager to meet up with a woman; if we’ve only messaged 4 times within the app, I’m almost certainly not ready to meet you face-to-face yet. Imagine dating like feeding a deer (I know this is a weird metaphor stick with me). You want to hold your hand out and stay still, letting the deer come to you, realizing you’re open to giving it food. What I see a lot of men doing is running after a deer, throwing steaks at it, yelling, “Why won’t you eat this?!? I’m trying to feed you!!” Slow your roll. You don’t have to flirt via Tinder for weeks on end—some people aren’t good at messaging and that’s fine! After a few exchanges (aim for at least one or two “haha” messages before you jump in to meeting up in person), use a version of this phrase: “Are you free sometime this week? I’d love to take you out.”
What this means for your pictures: No selfies! None. Delete all selfies in your profile right now. What selfies—especially when there’s more than one—communicate is, “No one is willing to hang around me, so I’m the only person who takes photos of myself.” Which, might be true, but won’t sell you as a person to get to know. What should you replace those selfies with? Nice, non-blurry photos of yourself! (If you don't have these, make an effort to take some—as lame as it may feel in the moment, it'll be worth it.)
What this means for your bio: This may come as a real shock, but if you put sexist stuff in your bio, we’re going to assume that you don’t like women. One of my friends, when I asked about what she sees on Tinder, said, “I think men forget that they’re trying to date women.” (Not that all men are, but you get it). If you mention you’re looking for someone to cook for you, or make some facile “joke” about how you’re looking for a trophy wife, or you say something cruel about certain women’s bodies, well, you’ve just alienated potential matches. Instead, try telling people what you’re like in a playful way. Focus on positives, rather than negatives. “I listen to Christmas music all year round,” or “I can teach you to drive stick shift,” are great examples that also give your fellow swipers something to message you about.
What this means when you message: Don’t be overly eager to meet up with a woman; if we’ve only messaged 4 times within the app, I’m almost certainly not ready to meet you face-to-face yet. Imagine dating like feeding a deer (I know this is a weird metaphor stick with me). You want to hold your hand out and stay still, letting the deer come to you, realizing you’re open to giving it food. What I see a lot of men doing is running after a deer, throwing steaks at it, yelling, “Why won’t you eat this?!? I’m trying to feed you!!” Slow your roll. You don’t have to flirt via Tinder for weeks on end—some people aren’t good at messaging and that’s fine! After a few exchanges (aim for at least one or two “haha” messages before you jump in to meeting up in person), use a version of this phrase: “Are you free sometime this week? I’d love to take you out.”
Avoid the jerk-dork dichotomy.
When you get down to the root of the issue, most dating profile faux-pas either paint the subject as either a jerk or a dork. Either you pose holding a massive bottle of champagne at a club and seem like kind of an asshole, or you post a 2006 Facebook profile picture of you holding up the leaning tower of Pisa with your pointer finger and you come off as kind of a loser. I’m not saying this to be mean, but rather to illustrate the line you’re trying to walk. If you'd prefer to keep your photo of you next to a Ferrari or winning 14th place in a World of Warcraft competition, then be my guest—I will not deny that there are lids for all pots—but I guarantee you'll get more matches if you head to the middle of the spectrum here.What this means for your pictures: No selfies! None. Delete all selfies in your profile right now. What selfies—especially when there’s more than one—communicate is, “No one is willing to hang around me, so I’m the only person who takes photos of myself.” Which, might be true, but won’t sell you as a person to get to know. What should you replace those selfies with? Nice, non-blurry photos of yourself! (If you don't have these, make an effort to take some—as lame as it may feel in the moment, it'll be worth it.)
If
you’re a gym guy and want to show off your abs, you get one chance to
be shirtless. One. And it must be, as my friend described,
“circumstantial.” A photo of you on a beach with friends where everyone
is wearing a swimsuit? Go for it. You shirtless at the gym? Dumb. Also
dumb? “Funny” photos, like the kind where everyone else is smiling and
you’re flicking off the photographer. Almost all attempts at conveying
that you’re funny via a photo will fall flat. Stick to being a “fun” guy
instead of funny. Post photos of you with groups of friends, or
drinking a silly tropical drink, or playing with your niece or nephew.
Oh yeah, and vaping in any photo is both douchey and dorky in case you had questions.
What this means for your bio: Use your bio to communicate a rounded-out life with varied interests, rather than to flaunt your wealth or be self-deprecating. Both are excruciating and embarrassing to read. Most women aren’t looking for a guy to support them financially, and we certainly aren’t looking for someone to prop up emotionally. Put information in your bio about what you like to do—your job (just don’t use the words “grind” or “hustle” ever), your hobbies, whatever—just give an idea of who you are. Again, don’t use your bio to call out things you don’t like about women, “won’t date anyone with tattoos,” “if you don’t have a good ass swipe left, etc.” That’s douchey.
What this means when you message: Embrace flirting! You should be shooting for fun to talk to—not impressive, or scolding, or explain-y. (Jerk category). You shouldn’t be messaging anyone with a brag, humble or otherwise. Ask about what she does for work (it’s probably in her bio, so actually ask questions about that). Find something funny in one of her photos and comment on it, “oh my god that’s an amazing Halloween costume; last year I tried to get my friend to go as Kim Possible so I could be Ron Stoppable but we couldn’t find the right wig.” Whatever! If you don’t ask questions, if you don’t flirt a bit, messaging with you will feel like a chore, which I’m sure you can inuit is not hot.
Oh, and for the love of god, don’t ever describe yourself as a sapiosexual.
What this means for your bio: Use your bio to communicate a rounded-out life with varied interests, rather than to flaunt your wealth or be self-deprecating. Both are excruciating and embarrassing to read. Most women aren’t looking for a guy to support them financially, and we certainly aren’t looking for someone to prop up emotionally. Put information in your bio about what you like to do—your job (just don’t use the words “grind” or “hustle” ever), your hobbies, whatever—just give an idea of who you are. Again, don’t use your bio to call out things you don’t like about women, “won’t date anyone with tattoos,” “if you don’t have a good ass swipe left, etc.” That’s douchey.
What this means when you message: Embrace flirting! You should be shooting for fun to talk to—not impressive, or scolding, or explain-y. (Jerk category). You shouldn’t be messaging anyone with a brag, humble or otherwise. Ask about what she does for work (it’s probably in her bio, so actually ask questions about that). Find something funny in one of her photos and comment on it, “oh my god that’s an amazing Halloween costume; last year I tried to get my friend to go as Kim Possible so I could be Ron Stoppable but we couldn’t find the right wig.” Whatever! If you don’t ask questions, if you don’t flirt a bit, messaging with you will feel like a chore, which I’m sure you can inuit is not hot.
Oh, and for the love of god, don’t ever describe yourself as a sapiosexual.
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