A
few months back my boyfriend and I fell into one of our classic
patterns: I would come home, very excited to see him, and he would be
kind of chilled out, focused on his own thing and not bubbling over like
me. I’m not an energetic person by any stretch of anyone’s
imagination, but next to his tepid greetings, I was the Energizer
Bunny. I would then spend the rest of the night devising a series of
pathetic bids for his attention. (Yes, this is embarrassing to cop to,
but I’m nothing if not willing to embarrass myself for the sake of
giving other people advice.) The less he gave into my needy behaviors,
the more needy I felt. The cycle was frustrating for both of us.
I knew, logically, that what I was doing was not helping. I couldn’t keep it up, so I returned to a classic Sophia tactic for dealing with personal problems: I stopped trying. I didn’t have to be excited to see him when I got home, I could just come home. If you’re not going to be excited to see me, I’m not going to be excited to see you. But that felt bad. It doesn’t feel nice to force yourself to be unexcited about seeing someone. So I came up with a plan for myself to leave him alone as much as possible.
I’m a big fan of counterintuitive advice, and this is the best I have: Stop spending so much time with your partner. This isn’t novel advice. Everyone understands that when you’re in a relationship you should “have your own life.” But I’m suggesting a more aggressive, or purposeful, separation. If you usually spend every weeknight together, try to have a week where you make plans with friends for at least two or three nights. Volunteer to stay late at work. Help your stepdad build a deck. Tackle tasks you hate and luxuriate in ones you love. Orchestrate distance.
Live hours of your life as if you don’t have a partner. Obviously don’t cheat or forget to tell your partner what you’re up to; that will not help your relationship. But make a conscious effort to carve out large chunks of time that are not about your partner—or your work. Don’t abdicate couple responsibilities, though. If you guys have kids, you still need to take care of them the normal amount, and if her cousin’s wedding is this weekend, you’re still going. Just make time to be the person you were when you were single. See a movie alone. Try a restaurant that isn’t really her thing. Or simply go on a walk around your city in a place you wouldn’t usually go. Actively pushing yourself to behave the way you behaved when you were single—i.e. agreeing to go out to an awful, loud, crowded bar, or saying yes to your outdoorsy-friend’s annual camping trip—is a good way to regain your interest in yourself.
While you’re trying this little experiment, try to think about what you actually want, or are missing, from your partner. Do you need to feel more useful? Volunteer for your friends’ charity—the one you’ve been meaning to give a check to. Do you feel like you need validation? Do something you’re really good at, or just call your mom. (Moms are great at validation.) Need some excitement? Plan a surprise date. There’s no reason why she needs to be the one to provide the excitement; surprising someone else is often more fun that being the one surprised.
I knew, logically, that what I was doing was not helping. I couldn’t keep it up, so I returned to a classic Sophia tactic for dealing with personal problems: I stopped trying. I didn’t have to be excited to see him when I got home, I could just come home. If you’re not going to be excited to see me, I’m not going to be excited to see you. But that felt bad. It doesn’t feel nice to force yourself to be unexcited about seeing someone. So I came up with a plan for myself to leave him alone as much as possible.
I’m a big fan of counterintuitive advice, and this is the best I have: Stop spending so much time with your partner. This isn’t novel advice. Everyone understands that when you’re in a relationship you should “have your own life.” But I’m suggesting a more aggressive, or purposeful, separation. If you usually spend every weeknight together, try to have a week where you make plans with friends for at least two or three nights. Volunteer to stay late at work. Help your stepdad build a deck. Tackle tasks you hate and luxuriate in ones you love. Orchestrate distance.
Live hours of your life as if you don’t have a partner. Obviously don’t cheat or forget to tell your partner what you’re up to; that will not help your relationship. But make a conscious effort to carve out large chunks of time that are not about your partner—or your work. Don’t abdicate couple responsibilities, though. If you guys have kids, you still need to take care of them the normal amount, and if her cousin’s wedding is this weekend, you’re still going. Just make time to be the person you were when you were single. See a movie alone. Try a restaurant that isn’t really her thing. Or simply go on a walk around your city in a place you wouldn’t usually go. Actively pushing yourself to behave the way you behaved when you were single—i.e. agreeing to go out to an awful, loud, crowded bar, or saying yes to your outdoorsy-friend’s annual camping trip—is a good way to regain your interest in yourself.
While you’re trying this little experiment, try to think about what you actually want, or are missing, from your partner. Do you need to feel more useful? Volunteer for your friends’ charity—the one you’ve been meaning to give a check to. Do you feel like you need validation? Do something you’re really good at, or just call your mom. (Moms are great at validation.) Need some excitement? Plan a surprise date. There’s no reason why she needs to be the one to provide the excitement; surprising someone else is often more fun that being the one surprised.
Usually
when you’re bored or frustrated with your partner, you’re actually just
bored or frustrated with your life. It’s easy to point to a partner as
the source of dissatisfaction because they’re an external factor, but so
often what we put on our partner is simply a projection of an inward
issue. You don’t need to wait to take space until you have a problem
with your partner, either; in fact, you probably shouldn’t. It’s just
nice to add some variety to your life.
You could simply have a month where you don’t see each other as often
because you’re keeping yourself busy, although you may want to give your
partner the heads up that you won’t be around as much.
Just make sure to actually put in more effort when you are together—that’s the whole point of taking space. Lately I’ve been pretty busy at work, and I haven’t gotten as much time with my boyfriend, but both of us are a lot happier to see each other. And I’ve chilled out (a tiny bit).
Just make sure to actually put in more effort when you are together—that’s the whole point of taking space. Lately I’ve been pretty busy at work, and I haven’t gotten as much time with my boyfriend, but both of us are a lot happier to see each other. And I’ve chilled out (a tiny bit).
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