Non-monogamous committed relationships are on the rise, at least if our Google searches are to be believed. While it’s difficult to track precisely how many people are in open and polyamorous relationships, since many studies often only track people who are legally married, one 2016 study found that approximately one in five people has participated in some kind of (consensual) non-monogamy.
On-screen, too, less traditional relationship boundaries are being explored more and more. Molly navigated being a secondary partner on Insecure last season, Netflix has a whole show called Wanderlust that watches Toni Collette and her husband, Steven Mackintosh, try to navigate long-term monogamy. In House of Cards, Robin Wright and Kevin Spacey had a pretty fluid definition of monogamy, and apparently both even slept with the same Secret Service agent (perhaps true intimacy is sleeping with the same other person).
We’re all becoming more aware of non-monogamous arrangements, which of course have been around for ages, but for people who haven’t experienced one firsthand, the mere logistics of maintaining them can seem daunting. So I spoke to a bunch of people* in various forms of open relationships—including polyamorous relationships—to see how they make it work.
Open and poly relationships require a lot of communication and strict boundaries. Practically speaking, how does that play out?
“My husband and I don’t text with our lovers in front of each other. It can be pretty fun and intense and exciting to have a new lover, and you can wind up really ignoring your primary partner. The rule is, when you are physically with someone in the same room, be mentally present with them, too.” —Lana, 36, Portland, in a poly relationship with her husband
“We shared with each other when we were seeing others or interested in others—communication was our number one rule. We were each other’s primary partners, and all other partners were secondary. Other than that, it was fairly loosey-goosey.” —Emma, 27, Danville, PA, was in an open relationship with her ex
“We don't have any secondary emotional attachments at all. Other sexual partners are purely sexual, although we normally go on a date first to see if there's chemistry. —Thomas, 38, New York City, in an open relationship with his wife
“My only rule of my partners is that they use [condoms/protection] with other people and to let me know if they would like to stop using them.” —Adam, 35, Seattle, in a poly relationship with a primary partner and one secondary partner
“After dates, we check in with each other just to say we're home safely or whatever, and goodnight, but we don't recap or say what's happened until we see each other in real life the next time.” —Rosemary, 31, Brooklyn, in an open relationship with her girlfriend
Where do extracurricular hookups actually take place?
“We have a master bedroom, an office for each of us, and a guest bedroom, but secondary hookups take place elsewhere. I have every appreciation for couples who wouldn't find this awkward, but we're not among them!” —Steven, 43, Las Vegas, in an open relationship with his wife
“As to living arrangements, like much of life, it depends on how well-off the people are. I'd love to have a dedicated "play" room, but the reality of real estate in Seattle makes that a non-starter.” —Adam
“I’ll usually go to a hotel if I'm meeting a girl. But that's more because of an inherent difference between men and women in these scenarios: It's super easy for her to find single men interested in no-strings-attached sex, and so she can always find single guys to go home with. It's a lot rarer for me to find single women interested in that type of thing, so ordinarily the women I meet up with are also in open relationships.” —Thomas
How do you keep the jealousy at bay when your partner is seeing other people?
“Jealousy really isn’t an issue for us, because we’re just very solid in our relationship. But also, honestly, because she has a lower libido than I do, and [she] doesn’t see sex as the end-all, be-all of a relationship. It’s harder for me to give a hall pass than it is for her to give one.” —Wyatt, 34, San Francisco, in a “poly-ish” relationship with his wife
“One of the rules my primary asked of me was to not kiss other people on the forehead. She wanted to have that to herself, intimacy-wise.” —Frank, 35, Chicago, in a poly relationship
“We know we're completely and utterly devoted to each other. For me, I get no more jealous of her going out and sleeping with a guy than I do of her going out and drinking with a friend; either way, she's just having fun.” —Thomas
How do you manage the scheduling? And what happens if there’s a conflict between your primary and secondary partner?
“Our primary relationship has priority, but we've both been good enough to not abuse that. If my wife says she has a date beforehand, I won't jump in later with ‘I'd like to do something that day.’ We have complete veto power with each other about any outside meetups; if my wife has a date scheduled but I'm working and we can't get a babysitter, she'll cancel the date.” —Steven
“We tell each other at least a day in advance of a date and share who it is with, so that we have time to know what's happening, make other plans (because we do spend so much time together when we're not seeing other people), and [so we can] potentially say if it's someone we'd rather the other person not see, like if there's a history there.” —Rachel, 31, Brooklyn, in an open relationship with her girlfriend
“Communication and radical honesty and Google Calendar are what make us work! We put everything on our [shared] calendars. Work schedules, school schedules, doctor's appointments, dates in and out of the polycule, vet appointments, everything.” —Parker, 33, Seattle, in an open poly relationship with another couple [Ed. note: A polycule is the collective of members in a polyamorous relationship.]
“I spent a year on [the open-relationship dating app] Feeld, but I got more real matches in the first 48 hours on Tinder than I got in probably six months on Feeld. My Tinder is very clear about what we are and what we’re looking for. There’s just a much greater diversity of desires on Tinder than people think there are.” —Wyatt
What’s it been like to move from monogamy to consensual non-monogamy?
“I should say despite being at it for two years, we're both still relatively inexperienced at the whole thing. I'm still at a loss of how to engage other women and explain the whole thing without it sounding weird or creepy.” —Steven
“We weren’t open the first time [we dated], so re-establishing our romantic relationship as open has taken some negotiating and getting used to… What's helped me is being explicit about our open monogamy, and also asking for verbal reassurances sometimes, which has sure made me feel kind of like a loser, but I know it's good and okay to ask for what you need sometimes.” —Danielle, 24, Oakland, CA, in an open relationship with her boyfriend
“My husband and I thought it would be fun to have new experiences, and we had been together for so long. The interesting result is that I experienced a relationship with another man on a level that I didn’t know existed, and it has caused me to question a lot of my life choices.” —Lana
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